The THEN and the NOW: The Stars May Rise and Fall turns three

Three years ago, not quite today, I finally published the book of my heart.

That both seems like a very long time and a very short one. Three years is definitely enough to make a book “old news”.  And it’s not nearly enough, apparently, to inspire floods of fanworks. (Y’all feel free to get on that, though, if you want.)

It’s also enough to upend the entire world.

The Stars May Rise and Fall is set mostly between June 2000 and January 2001. Although I was in Japan for that particular New Year’s Eve, I didn’t get seriously into the visual kei scene until I came back as a student in September 2001. But I chose to set my book a year earlier, specifically because I didn’t want it to touch 9/11.

Now, even if I had set the book in 2001, I wouldn’t necessarily have needed to mention it. The number of newsworthy events mentioned in the actual book is zero (unless you count, like, Luna Sea breaking up or something?), and while even my not-terribly-worldly characters would’ve gotten news THAT big, a novel obviously doesn’t need to contain every single moment of every day. But I didn’t want to make the choice. I didn’t want to be plotting out major events on the calendar to figure out what day of the week Christmas was on or whatever and have THAT day be a part of the story.

I made that choice, and started writing the book, in 2005. At the time, 9/11 felt very much like The Event that divided the world between the NOW and the THEN... the THEN when I was still a naive teenager who thought wars and terrorism and even racism (HAHAHAHAHA) were things that happened long ago, or at the very least far away, vs. the NOW of having people ask me "What was it like?" when they learned I was in the US (but not in New York or Washington) then, of having to listen to my father's Islamaphobic rants on the phone or how he wasn't going to buy French wine anymore because France  wouldn't support Bush's war, or be treated like a criminal every time I tried to fly... and even though none of that had ANYTHING to do with my story, I didn't want to set it in that NOW.

I didn't consciously connect that to my decision to write a book that is, essentially, about the THEN and the NOW. Rei's THEN, when he was a (conventionally) skilled and attractive musician at the brink of stardom and very much in love, vs. NOW, when he's still skilled and attractive (but doesn't believe it), just in a very different way, and has lost his performing career and his love and gained multiple disabilities and chronic pain. Teru's THEN, when he could tell himself he was straight, when he could believe he'd meet a girl someday, or at least just stay single and never have to come out to himself or anyone else, vs. NOW, when he has no choice but to face the fact that he's attracted to a man and loses the option of keeping up that charade and an "easier" life.

What do you do when the NOW changes everything? How do you ever let go of the THEN?

There was a bit of intent in publishing this book in December. It was partly because I was planning to travel for the holidays and knew that distraction would prevent me from obsessively refreshing reviews. (No, seriously.) But it was also because of that idea of the new year... the idea of spring coming after winter, of light returning after long, cold nights. I was perhaps a bit heavy-handed with the seasonal symbolism. The book starts in the middle of the rainy season. The relationship matures in the summer, and the band reaps the fruit of their efforts in the fall... Some major events happen at the end of the year, and while this isn't really a "holiday" book in the way a "home for Christmas" kind of romance is, I always re-read it (Yes, I reread my own book, no shame!) around this time of year.

And over the past three years, I think a lot of us have been left with a THEN we don't really like. Some of us have lost loved ones. Some have lost jobs or income. Some have gained long Covid. Some have gained trauma and PTSD. Some of us have gained good things too, of course, but overall, I don't think many people would say that the world is better now than when this book came into the world in 2018.

But still, we go on. And we hope, I guess, sometimes. And sometimes I can't believe that I wrote this book that really, really wanted to say: The NOW isn't all bad. Sometimes the darkness brings beautiful things that couldn't grow or live in the light. And the NOW isn't forever. There's a tomorrow coming, too. And it might be better and it might be worse, but it's probably just going to be different. Some good things, some bad. Some losses, some gains. I'm somehow not sure how those themes came from ME, who usually just wants to curl up in bed when things get tough and get smaller and smaller until I disappear.

I think sometimes about how my characters would be dealing with Covid. Rei's probably relieved to have an excuse to stay home and order delivery all the time. Teru's probably a little angry that it took this long for all of those services to exist. They probably argue more than they used to, because they're home together all the time... but they figure out ways to separate work from private time. They probably took a pretty big financial hit, but they're getting by somehow. They don't talk about getting sick or dying, but it's always kind of there.

And maybe the world doesn't need a book about the THEN and NOW when we all have to live it. But I'm glad I wrote it. I'm glad it's out there. I don't know if anyone has picked it up, at some point during the pandemic, and maybe gained a little hope that, even if it's not the future they expected or wanted, something good is coming. Someday.

But it gives me that hope, at least. And the love that people have shown for my weird little story, and especially for my poor, messed-up Rei who is FAR FAR FAR more like me than I really want to admit... that's been nice. That's been a bright spot. So thank you for bringing a little joy to my NOW.

And I guess the nice thing about publishing is... it never really ends.

Even if I eventually take the book out of print. Even if all the companies that distribute it fold. Even if it becomes impossible someday to get a new copy, it's out there. Maybe a hundred years from now, someone will pick up a paperback at whatever 2121's version of the Goodwill is. And maybe it will help them with their NOW?

Or maybe not. We just don't know.

But I do know that the past three years--at least if I confine my assessment ONLY to things that have happened as the direct result of publishing this book!--have been a blast. So thank you. And thank you for all the years to come. ;)