Why I didn’t write the sex scene (spoiler-free)

So. This was sort of immediately inspired by a random tweet about how not all M/M is erotica. 

But it’s something that I’ve been facing ever since I first started trying to get The Stars May Rise and Fall published, and it’s something that authors of queer fiction have been facing for even longer: this weird assumption that just because a book is M/M (or F/F), it must be sexually explicit.

 

My book is not. That’s not a spoiler, as far as I’m concerned—it’s fade to black, please use that as you wish to help you decide whether you’d like to read it or not. I know that fade to black is a negative for some readers and a positive for others. And that others read all heat levels and don’t really care.

 

And to honest, the choice to do that—to fade to black, rather than writing the sex scene—was one of the ones I agonized the most over. But in the end, I think it was the best choice for THIS particular book. And here’s why.

 

So first, the points in FAVOR of writing the sex scene. Point, really. There’s really only one.

 

The main reason I felt that I should write the sex scene is that one of the characters in question is physically disabled, and this is a major THING for most of the book. Not going to go into huge amounts of detail in this particular post, but from self confidence to physical pain to the non-disabled character being young and stupid and just kind of not knowing how to deal for large chunks of time... it’s a major thing that both characters have to accept, and by the time this scene comes around, they pretty much have, and if I’d managed to write the sex scene well, it would have been an opportunity to show a disabled character enjoying sex and being enjoyed as a sexual person, not BECAUSE of his disability and not DESPITE it, but just... as part of a couple who cherish each other.

 

That was really the only pressing reason why I wanted to, but it’s a pretty big one. I definitely think that books and scenes like that are important. But I don’t necessarily think I’m the one who needs to write them. More on that later.

 

Now, as for the points against.

 

First, I’m just not very good at writing physical scenes—sex scenes, fight scenes, anything involving the positions of multiple people in a three-dimensional space. With fight scenes, when I was writing fanfic, I tended to focus on the very small, personal things. The character’s gripping his sword so hard it hurts. Sweat is dripping into his eyes. Please don’t ask me to describe the exact move he’s using to fend of his opponent’s blows. If I ever tried to write a sex scene, it would have to be like that. I don’t really like reading play-by-plays of sexual positions, and I definitely couldn’t write that kind of scene. My brain just tends to focus more narrowly, if that makes sense?

 

Second, I’m just not that into sex. I’m not repulsed by it, but I enjoy it mostly as a way to be physically and emotionally close to someone I love. Honestly, though, I’d rather just take a bath together or spoon for years. Of course, writing doesn’t ALWAYS have to be wish fulfillment, but there IS a “taking a bath together” scene. I guess when writing a love story, I want to prioritize the things that seem the most romantic to ME?

 

Third, I... don’t have my characters’ bodies. I mean, I know how an erection works. I’ve watched some gay porn and seen lots and lots and LOTS of fanart (some of which, admittedly, is nowhere near anatomically correct... LOL). But I don’t really know what it FEELS like to have sex as a penis-having person. Add that to the disability rep issue and... this on its own of course doesn’t mean that I couldn’t have done the research, gotten some cis guys and disabled people to beta read, and done an OK job... but especially because I didn’t really WANT to write it, based on points 1 and 2... why go out of my comfort zone to write something I don’t feel strongly about WANTING to write?

 

Fourth, I want you to imagine that scene however you like. Are we talking hand jobs? Blow jobs? Anal penetration? Was there role play? Strawberry-flavored lube? Who came first, or was it magically at exactly the same time? ...and so on. I sort of have my own little headcanon version of what happened, but you know what? I love fanfic. I love the idea that there are all these little versions of what happened off page or off screen, and that they’re all “true” as long as we don’t have a canon alternative. So, what happened behind that closed door is whatever YOU want to fantasize about. Or if you don’t want to fantasize about my characters, awesome, just know that Intimacy Was Had, and move on.

 

Finally, I’m going to quote some Jim Steinman at you, sorry:

 

There’s always a danger of losing control

And of breaking my heart and exposing my soul

There’s just no protection from that look in your eyes

Or the touch of your hands when I break down and cry

There’s always a risk of surrendering more than I ever intended to do

And there’s no such thing as safe sex when it comes to loving you

 

The whole thing, with both of these characters, is how intensely afraid they are of being hurt. It takes them freaking FOREVER to have sex, and I know some allosexual readers find that kind of hard to swallow... but I think that’s the most important part of that scene. It doesn’t matter who was on top, or whether the condoms glowed in the dark or whatever. It doesn’t matter HOW they had sex, it matters THAT they did. It matters that that risk of being hurt is no longer as powerful as the love they feel for each other. That’s it.

 

So, I didn’t write the sex scene because I wasn’t really comfortable doing it... but I DID write a couple of other scenes that were light years outside my comfort zone (please don’t ask how many bottles of wine went into the first draft of the love hotel scene), because as uncomfortable as they were, they were necessary.

 

Some books DO need their sex scenes.

Some don’t really NEED them, but they add to the story and/or are there to titillate the reader.

Some... well some just don’t work that well, but that’s not unique to sex scenes.

 

In this particular case, for this particular book written by this particular author, I thought the fade to black was both what it needed and what I could do well.

 

If you disagree... well, I’m definitely not anti-fanfic if you’d like to fill in that particular blank. <3